Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Our Child Needs a Family

I still remember the first lesson we learnt when we went for our parenting class during my pregnancy - Your Baby Needs a Family. It sounded irrelevant at first in a parenting class but it is ACTUALLY the most important lesson of the entire course.

Our child needs a family to feel secure, loved and a sense of belonging. And only if husband and wife truly love each other, they are able to give the child these three.

A healthy husband-wife relationship is essential to the emotional health of children in the home. A strong marriage provides the haven of security for children as they grow in the nurturing process.

We couldn't agree more with the lesson; we had decided that our child will not be the center of our universe; we took a mental note that we will continue to spend quality time with each other to build our marriage just like before; we would show each other love and affection in front of our child; we also reminded each other that we will never disagree with each other when our child is around.

BUT, as days go by, when the challenges of bringing up a baby set in, when there is work stress for either one or both of us, when we are too tired from looking after a baby seven days a week without a break, when we have not spent anytime with just the two of us outside the house for more than a month and our emotional banks are dry, we lose sight of what we believe and we tumble.

We had argued in front of our baby; we had raised our voices and shouted at each other; It is devastating especially knowing how much it will negatively impact our child. She may not understand the words we say but she is smart enough to catch the tone of the voice. I felt so bad each time it happened. I am so afraid that we have created fear and insecurity inside the emotional part of her brain. I am so afraid that she will carry with her that memory when she grows up.

I myself still can remember the times when my own parents fought in front of me (Of course I was much bigger then). I was so afraid that I will cry hysterically. I would try to pull them away from each other. And there are even times I would try to hurt myself to bring their attention on me instead of on each other. I dreaded those moments so much. Years have passed, although the memories have already faded, but I know they have impacted on me, I always felt I will be emotional stronger and more confident if I grow up in a happier family.

I am so glad that my husband and I we have the awareness; and we know our principles and values. It is always easier said than done, but we will continue to build our marriage,  and put our relationship at higher priority than our relationship with our child, we will not let our child be the center of our lives but we will be sure her life is filled with security, joy and love, abundantly.

The life that has brought us tremendous joy

PS: Here are a few ideas from the book "Preparation for Parenting" by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo to help couple to meet all your baby's needs while still maintaining life beyond baby:

1. Life doesn't stop once you have a baby. It may slow down for a few weeks, but it should not stop entirely.

2. Take time to communicate with God through prayer and study (If you are a believer).

3. Date your spouse.

4. Continue those loving gestures you enjoyed before the baby came along.

5. Invite friends over for a meal or for an evening of fellowship.

6. At the end of each day, spend fifteen minutes sitting with your spouse discussing the day's events. (This special "couch time", which takes place before children are in bed for the evening, acts as a visual expression of your togetherness)

7. When it comes to parenting, remember you're a team.


  1. I know what you mean, and it's really not easy when both husband and wife are stretched so thin. I've also had many meltdowns and with each addition to the family comes a whole new set of challenges. The dynamics between husband and wife changes and we have to learn to adapt together. #2 and #5 help me maintain my sanity. :)

  2. Thanks for your sharing, I can't imagine the stress of bringing up 3 kids. You and your husband are truly amazing. #2 and #5 are very valuable points that work magically, I am constantly reminding myself to do that too...