Tomorrow marks the entry into the last month of my pregnancy. My due date is 28 Sep 2013. A lot have been going through my mind recently. I am excited - we are going to have another baby soon, a baby boy, God's perfect gift. I am worried - who should be the caretaker for the baby when I finish my maternity leave? We still have not made up our mind. I am nervous - with a toddler and a baby I am not sure if we can cope with the morning and evening routines without any help... ... Above all, I can also get really emotional at times.
I don't know how to be a mother of two.
I don't know how the arrival of my new baby will affect my daughter Kah Yen, and my relationship with her.
I don't know if I am able to love both of my children, wholeheartedly, and 100%. Or do I need to divide my love between them?
For almost three years, Kah Yen has been the center of my life. (I know all parenting and marriage books will tell you - No, your children should never be the center of your life.) She has brought me so much joy and laughter. We have spent so many memorable moments together. And whenever I am with her, I always make sure I am 100% with her, my body, my heart and my mind. But soon, the arrival of our new baby will take part of me away from her. I have no doubt I will not love her less because there is a new baby in my arms, but my energy, my attention, my time and my patience will all be divided. Oh how much will she be affected! And how much the thought of it is affecting me now!
It didn't help if I were to go for C-section, (We are still deciding on this and we are going to seek a second opinion before we make the final decision.) I will need more time to rest and recover which means for at least two weeks I won't be able to bath her, carry her and just play with her, something I am doing now everyday.
I have heard mothers of two or three shared how their heart grows with the number of babies they have, making room for each new life. I have not experienced it yet. Maybe I will experience that moment when I finally hold Baby #2 in my arms. Maybe by then I won't need to worry about Kah Yen anymore because my heart has grown, it will love Kah Yen not less, but more, and it will still have room to love my new born baby, wholeheartedly.
I am waiting.
For that magical moment of motherhood.