I can't carry you anymore

So far Kah Yen has been taken my pregnancy news pretty well (or I thought so). She sees my growing belly and knows I have a baby. She pats it and say "hello" to the baby when I ask her to do so. She sings ABC song to my belly sometimes. At the end of our night prayer I lay her hand on my belly and say a quick prayer for the baby and she says "Amen" to it.

Her world has not changed much since the baby is not yet born, however, one thing that I can see has been affecting her quite a lot, is that, I can't carry her anymore.

I have always enjoyed carrying her and cuddling her, though she is old enough to walk. I continued carry her through the last four months of my pregnancy (when I am not supposed to carry anything more than 10 pounds!). Now that my belly is bigger and my back is breaking me any minute, I really can't carry her anymore.

To get her to accept this fact is not easy. As usual, I went to the internet to read what other mothers share about this. And the common advise is not to tell your toddler you can't carry him/her because you are pregnant, or you are having a baby. They may get jealous and see the baby as a rival even before the sibling is born. So I have been very careful with my words. I have been using reasons such as "You are a big girl now you should walk more." or "Mummy is very tired." or  "Mummy's back is painful." But I think along the way there must have been moments when I lost my patience and threw out words saying I am pregnant and I am having a baby!

A few nights ago, while having dinner, Kah Yen wanted to pee. I carried her down from her highchair and told her to go to the toilet herself. In the past I usually carry her all the way to the toilet, help her to pull down her pants and sit on the potty, wipe her and make sure she wash her hands, though she is already capable of doing all these all by herself. But that night, I decided to break that habit and train her to be more independent.

She said "Okay", then walked to the toilet herself. Before she went in, she stopped, looked back at me, and out of nowhere she just asked "Mummy you can't carry me anymore because you have a baby?" Then she went inside the toilet.

I was stunned. I must have said those words to her somewhere along the way. Though she is not sounding particularly sad or anything, it still breaks my heart hearing her asking such a question. I felt terribly guilty.

When she came out, I gave her a tight hug. I told her I love her and she is doing really well by going to toilet all by herself. And I told myself I will be more senstivie with my words, and I will give her the same attention and love even after the baby is born.

I can't carry you anymore, but my love for you will never change.