ALL THIS TIME

Sandi Patty's "A Mother's Prayer" has accompanied me through my entire pregnancy three years ago. Until now, my child is already more than 2-year old. I still listen to the same songs. Every line she sings, is exactly the same word I want to say to my child, the same prayer I have in my heart, and the same praise I want to give to God.

Just this morning, All THIS TIME, has nearly brought tears to my eyes again.

Here in my arms

I can feel the breath of love surround you

A life so pure

Eyes so blue

How you will grow

And a million dreams will dance around you

Over the stars, past the moon

One day I will tell you

Remembering the years

All this time

Moving through the pages of life

You have been a joy to me

Blooming in the sun and the rain

Holding you through laughter and pain

As you dance I delight

I have loved you all this time

I am amazed

In the morning light of God's creation

He reached from Heaven to me

Sweet miracle

That He placed the flame of life inside

And carried an angel to me

Gave my soul a melody

All this time, all my life

Seriously Sick

Both Kah Yen and myself were sick since last weekend.

For her, it's coughing and heavy phlegm and running nose, she literally coughed till vomitted. For me, my nose was blocked for a good two days, followed by coughing. It may not sound too bad, at least none of us had fever, but, trust me, when you have a sick mother and a sick child together, and there is no other able body around, it is SERIOUS.

On Monday, I struggled to work, while Daddy took leave to be with Kah Yen, she didn't get better.

On Tuesday, I took leave to look after her, only to realize by the end of the day that I got worse and she did not get any better. Can you imagine a sick body carrying a 12kg baby around? Can you imagine a person with no appetite trying to cook something out of nothing and force her equally no appetite child to eat? Can you imagine neither of us slept for more than an hour in the afternoon because we kept being disturbed by each other's coughing?

By the end of the day, I was completely exhausted. The last time I was so sick I think I hugged my pillow and cried to sleep. But this time I can't because if I do we will have two crying babies at home and that will be quite a scene!

On Wednesday, we decided to send her to school while I rested at home. It was a difficult decision to make. I felt guilty to send her to school before she fully recovers, yet I did not have the strength to look after her at home. I desperately needed some rest myself.

I slept and slept for the whole day, I didn't even think at all how she was doing at school.

Nobody has told me before it was so hard when one is sick and still needs to look after someone. I can't help thinking how my own mum did it. I hardly noticed when she was sick, not that she never fell sick, but she never showed it. Even when she was sick, she still brought dinner to the table, she still did all the laundry, she still cleaned the house like she usually does, she still made sure all her children's needs were taken care of. And she lived in an era men only work outside the house.

If she is made of steel, I think I am not even close to bricks.

Looking forward to 2013

Year 2013 is going to be a year of many changes. Just last week, Kah Yen started to attend a full day childcare; Two weeks down the road we are moving to our new house at Punggol. With the distance going further between work and home for both of us, both our morning and evening routines need to be adjusted; No more take-away dinners since Kah Yen will eat with us. I am starting to cook every night; And we are planning to have a second baby once we settle down in our new house. If the blessing comes to us, I would be a preggy for the bulk of the year and start all over again what I did two years back when a crying baby landed in my arms. And life after that, I have not imagined and could not imagine for now so let’s just leave it to the 2014 resolutions instead.

So here are my 2013 New Year resolutions, just a few.

(1) Learn to cook

Yes, learn to cook, before husband and Kah Yen get sick of chicken soup with noodle, chicken soup with rice, chicken soup with vegetables, and chicken soup with nothing. We have installed a built-in oven in our new kitchen, so hopefully I will learn some new and quick ways of cooking chicken, and add in some other meat to our meals so that we can give the poor chicken a break. I also need to learn to plan our meals in advance and better organize our fridge so that I can prepare and store enough food for the whole week, to make home-made dinner possible after rushing back from work everyday.

(2) More outdoor activities

Since we are moving to the extreme outskirt of the island, the “countryside” as some people would call it, we will make use of the free resource that is around us – the nature, for our family weekend activities. The husband is already looking into buying two bicycles for us with a baby seat, and one toddler bike for Kah Yen, we will be out cycling along the waterway and the beach almost every weekend. We can also explore the wetlands, the fishing ponds and the woods. I think I am the right candidate for the “World’s Miser Mom” title because if you look carefully at those activities, they are mostly free.

Another benefit of going outdoor? - I can tell people without blushing at the end of the year that I did have some exercise.

   

(3) Read classic books

I grew up in a country where study is all about academics, and reading is not part of study unless you read your text books. There are not many books available in my home and school anyway. Hence, the number of classic books I have read over the years can be counted with both hands. I developed the love for reading as an adult and have read a number of books over the years. However, I have come to my bottleneck to find good and interesting books ever since Borders closed down in Singapore and Popular’s best-sellers are filled with “How to be a Billionare” and “How to talk to people and win friends”. I chanced upon The Classic Club sometime last year and have since decided to go back to basics – reading classic books. I have generated a list of 30 over classic books and have already attempted Charles Dickens, Ernest Hemingway and the Bronte sisters. I am loving it. And almost all classic books are available in the library.

The other reason to start reading classic books is to be a good role-model for Kah Yen. How to expect a child growing up love reading when one has never seen her parents read? I am very passionate about reading to children and have been fervently reading picture books to Kah Yen since she was a baby. I am planning to start reading children’s classics like ‘Charlotte’s web”, “Aesop’s fables” and “Alice’s Adventure in Wonderland” etc as soon as she turns three. And we will never stop from there.

(4) Continue blogging

Blogging (or online journaling as I prefer to call it) is one of the best things I have started last year. Through blogging, I developed a love for writing; I met other mom bloggers whose stories are constantly a source of comfort and inspiration to me; And most importantly, through blogging, I learnt to celebrate simple moments of life more, I become a more grateful person. However, at some point in time I struggled with blogging too, I spent much more time on the internet and computer after I started blogging; I was sometimes carried away and started to compare other people’s kids with mine; I was obsessed with the statistics – how many people are reading my blog? how can I increase my readership? … Each time I reminded myself why I started blogging in the first place – to record and to celebrate the growing years of Kah Yen - it helps me to stay focus. So in year 2013, I will continue to write and stay focus.

(5) Pray more

I was struggling whether to keep this point to myself since most people on the internet do not like too religious stuff, but I do not want to appear a different person over here from who I am in the real world. After becoming a parent, I have realized how important a prayerful life is. With most of waking hours spent away from my children, and with the social media world they are going to grow up in, there is really nothing much I can do but keeping them in my prayers. In year 2012 I have come across this phrase and have since used it as a motto ‘You can’t be a perfect parent, but you can always be a praying parent.”

(6) Have a second baby

I am more than ready. The rest is the waiting.

I miss my daughter

Suddenly I miss my daughter so much.

No I am not on a business trip or a holiday without her. I am in my office, it is an ordinary weekday. The fact is I have not seen her (other than sleeping) for the past 24 hours! Yesterday morning when I left her and the husband to work, she was still sleeping. Last night I had a date night with my girl friends, she was put to bed by Daddy at the usual time. This morning again I left to work with her still sleeping.

I miss her dearly, right now.

I miss her sweet voice shouting "Mummmmy!" across the house, reacheing me in the kitchen, or the study room, or the bathroom, no matter where I am. She has not learnt to control her volume yet, so sometimes the sound pierces right into your ears. But I like it.

I miss her jumping up to her feet on her bed when she sees me coming into the room in the morning (during weekends). The smile and the excitement on her face is like the first sunbeam that enters into the house from the window - warm and bright.

I miss her running towards me with her Baby Pooh every day when I appear at our Nanny's door step to pick her up. She runs so fast that our Nanny always has to chase after her to make her wear shoes.

I miss carrying her home. Though she is growing heavier by the day and I have to carry her with one arm and push the stroller with the other. I miss her little arms around my neck and her face touching my face.

I miss having her sitting around us for dinner. She is contented to sit still and play with her toys in our presence. When Hubby and I shared something that made us laugh, she'd quickly join the laugh too as if she is also in the conversation and fully understands what we were talking about. We love her presence as much as she loves ours.

I miss cuddling her and reading to her each night on our bed, surrounded by her Baby Pooh, Piglet and Tigger which she insists sitting with us to read together. I miss her sound and actions when we read "Moo, Baa, La La La" and her quietness and attentiveness when we read "Corduroy' the bear who is lonesome in a department store and who is longing for a friendship, even though I doubt she even understands half the story.

I miss reading the bible to her just before lights out. She'd have already retrieved to her own bed. Most of the time she will lie quietly on her bed soaking in the presence of the Lord. I always believe the Word speaks life into her. She could be jumping, singing a moment ago but the minute I start to read the bible, she becomes quiet.

I miss my daily prayer to her. I miss her repeating after me "God loves you". I miss her saying "Amen" with a chuckle.

I miss kissing her good night.

I miss her wispering to me "Good night, Mummy" when I teaches her to.

I miss standing beside her bed and looking at her sleeping like an angel.

I miss her so much.

She taught me how to laugh

These few days there is a lot of stress and chaos in my workplace. I have multiple projects that divide my attention and make me less efficient. I left work everyday feel exhausted and defeated.

And for a few days I have to knock off late due to ad-hoc meetings. I have shared before my after work schedule and Kah Yen’s evening routine. Knocking off late means I have no time to bring Kah Yen to the pack and playground – a precious time for us to play and for me to unwind after a day’s work. I can still make it in time to put her to bed, but after all the rush and exhaustion I just felt that I may be physically there but my mind is not.

That makes me feel worse and I am becoming emotional and depressed.

My daughter, oblivious of my faint smile and my less enthusiastic voice, is still her cheerful self and also her mischievous self.

Monday night, as usual I brought in a pail of warm water to the room to wipe and change her (She already had her shower at Nanny’s place before coming back), after I took off her clothes I realized that we have forgotten to fit back the mattress protector and bed sheet which were taken out to wash, so I put her on the floor, start to fit the bed sheet with the husband. While our eyes are away from her, she moved to the pail, dip her hand inside the water, pat on her own round tummy and said ‘HOT HOT”, when we look at her, she burst out into laughter, and give us that “I KNOW I SHOULD NOT DO IT BUT IT IS SO FUNNY DADDY MUMMY” face. Before we can say anything, she did it again – wet her hand, pat her tummy, and shout “HOT HOT”, and laughed and laughed. On and on she goes till we can’t help laughing together with her because her action and expression are really cute!

Tuesday night, while I was laying her on our bed and changing her. She suddenly called “Mama”, to which I replied “Emm?” She called again “Mama”, I replied again “Emm?”. She laughed. She called again “Maaa…Ma”, I replied “Emmmm…m?” I was trying to imitate her sound effect. She laughed again. She called at the top of her lung “MaMaaaaaaaa……”, I replied “Emmmmmmmm……?” She was so amused at this game that she burst out into a loud laughter, and I soon joined her. Later I tickled her; we both rolled on our bed and had a good laugh before I put her on her cot.

Wednesday night, I gave her some water just before lights off. She drank too fast and choked herself. There was some strange sound from her throat when she coughed. She laughed at herself for making the silly sound. Then this playful girl decided to make some more of these silly sound. And every time she did it again, she laughed non-stop. I tried to be silly and imitated her action. She laughed at me too. So we each took turn to make that silly sound, and our laughter soon filled the entire room.

That’s my playful, mischievous and adorable little girl. She taught me how to laugh when I forgot how. These short moments with her just before she sleep are the moments that brighten up my day. They brought joy back to my heart. 

Days I feel really bad being a working mum

Yes we have worked out a good arrangement when I went back to work after 3 months of maternity leave. We have found her an experienced and loving nanny who looks after her needs and follows her routine. We divide the morning routine so both of us can attend to Kah Yen and at the same time goes to work on time. We are able to pick Kah Yen up on time most of the days. She goes to bed right after 8pm and her evening routine works nearly perfect. We are fine with packing dinner everyday – it is convenient and cheap. But, there are days I feel really bad being a working mum.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I left work on time at 730am, reached the shuttle bus pick-up point at 8am, only to find a queue that it is so long I can’t find where it ends. The bus was late again. I managed to squeeze in the 3^rd bus without a seat at 830am and only reached office at 9am. I was half an hour late for work.

I need to call a kick-off meeting with various departments for a new project that is coming in. After making several calls to different people the only time that is suitable is 4pm. There are people coming in late, and the meeting turned into a discussion at some point and it only ended at 6pm. Rushed to the bus stop, called the husband to hurry up to pick up Kah Yen, I finally got on the bus only to reach home at 720pm thanks to traffic jam. That’s almost an hour late than usual. I couldn’t spend anytime with Kah Yen except changing her and putting her to bed after rushing my dinner.

Thankfully the husband knocked off early so he brought her to the playground, made me feel slightly better. However, I was so shocked to find there are 2 minor bruises on Kah Yen’s face and the big one is right below her left eye. Our nanny said she fell and knocked on the edge of a chair. My heart felt so painful. I looked at our little angel without her angelic smile. I knew accident is unavoidable but I blamed this on me for not being with her.

By the end of the day I felt really bad.

I spend almost 3 hours on the road everyday when I only spend less than 2 hours with my daughter. I could have done so many more things with her using those 3 hours! I left her for 11 hours a day to a job that I am not even satisfied with, but I need the income. There are days my work is so busy and hectic that I totally forget about her, I am not even missing her. I read so much on baby nutrition and recipes but I am not even there to cook her meals, our Nanny only knows how to cook rice porridge. And I do hope my husband can come back to home cooked dinner.

I felt awfully guilty. Maybe I should really start looking for another job that is nearer to my place, although I dread the job hunting and interview process. Maybe I should talk to my HR about a flexible work arrangement, instead of telling myself it is not possible in Singapore context. Maybe I should come out with a rigid meal planner and force my nanny to follow it. Maybe I should just do the sums and see if we can survive with one less income… Maybe I should start telling myself "It is possible”.

But for now, I know what I should really tell myself is "I am not a superwoman".

Separation Anxiety – The other way round

I don’t know if any or all other working mothers are like me, sometimes I can get really emotional or sad leaving my baby to work.

This morning, after getting myself ready for work, I went into her room at 730am with her milk. This is the usual time we have to wake her up if she is still not awake yet, because I need to leave for work by 740am latest and for the husband 8am. She is still in peaceful deep sleep. I look at her angelic face, and her stomach moving up and down to the rhythm of her heartbeat, I just couldn’t bring myself to wake her up. Every time when it comes to waking her up in the morning, I become a very indecisive person. On one hand I know I have to wake up else everyone will be late; on the other hand I just want her to sleep a little bit more, as if one more minute of sleep really makes a difference.

And after she wakes up, I will need to leave in the next 10 minutes. 10-minute is really too short! So I try to offer a lot of hugs and kisses, as if to make up the total quota for the day. Husband said that’s too much you are not going to see her in one-year’s time. Men are just different.

When it comes to say ‘Bye Bye’, Kah Yen does not really have any separation anxiety. When she first learnt to wave Bye Bye and give flying kiss she will happily do both to Mummy voluntarily. Now these are nothing new to her so she doesn’t do it so often, even upon requests. She is more interested in the toy in her hand. I know it is completely normal for her age but I can't help feeling sad wondering if she really needs Mummy that much.

Mummy is the one experiencing separation anxiety instead.



A happy morning baby @ 4-month old



I Am A Working Mum

I hate leaving office after work everyday. You must be thinking that I work late. No I don’t work late. I leave work at 530pm. Oh that’s early! You said. No I don’t leave early either. My work officially ends at 530pm. I leave ON TIME. I am punctual.

That’s the problem. People in your office expect you to be punctual for everything else – meetings, discussions, and project deadlines… But they don’t expect you to be punctual when it comes to knocking off for the day.

I leave work on time because I don’t believe in working overtime unless really necessary. To me it is not, because I am able to finish what I think are important and urgent for the day. Those I have not finished, I think they are neither important nor urgent enough to make me stay back. I have a whole new day tomorrow. There are times I stayed. When I was single I even worked over night on some critical moments. Not that I am not hard working.

I leave work on time because I am a Working Mum. I have less than 2 hours with my baby girl every day. And I do not want to waste a single minute of it.

BUT…I hate that I am actually a coward inside. I don’t walk out of the office standing tall and straight, waving bye-bye to everyone on the way, my eyes looking straight into their eyes, a smile on my face, as if saying ‘Hi there, I have finished my work. I am going home. You know, I have a baby at home’. Instead, these are the steps when I leave:

Step 1: From my cubicle, I half stand, look around me 360 degrees, make sure there aren’t many colleagues and bosses moving around, esp. the path to the back door must be cleared.

Step 2: Quickly put my hand phone in my handbag, still half stand, sneak out of my cubicle.

Step 3: Walking straight line to the back door, looking downward, and pretending I am still perplexed by some important issues at work. If there is anyone enters into my side view, don’t turn the head; continue walking pretending I do not see them.

Finally out of the back door, you think I can relax now? Not yet, I have not cleared the lift lobby yet.

During the whole process I feel like I have conducted the world’s worst 10 crimes, and I should be awfully guilty and ashamed, and I better disappear quickly because it hurts other people’s eyes seeing me.

In my office, I am one of the earliest to leave. Not many people leave on time, even those I don’t see as very busy. Partly it is just the culture here in Singapore, in Asia. My office also has mostly guys. Guys are different. They can have career as their priority even when they are fathers. There are only 7 ladies. One of them is the secretary, she always leaves early but nobody will say anything because secretaries get to leave early, regardless they are mothers or not. 3 are single, they have all crossed 30 and 2 of them are Assistant Managers, so I guess it is not too wrong to put them under the ‘Career Woman’ category for this analysis’s sake. The other 2 are also young mothers, but one of them has 1 maid and 2 parents at home and the other one is driving, so at least they don’t need to rush as much as me.

I am a working mum. It takes me 1hr 15 mins by Bus –MRT –Walk to reach home, so I reach home at 645pm. I then change and walk passes 3 blocks to pick up my baby girl Kahyen from our nanny, by the time we come down from nanny’s place it’s about 7. She sleeps at 830pm and bedtime routine starts at 8pm (Wipe/Change/Milk/Book). I have practically one hour before her bedtime and I make a point to bring her to the park and playground everyday, and then pack dinner for husband & myself. By the time we reach home we have only 15mins for dinner. Did I tell you I forget how to chew food after becoming a mother?

The husband does not knock off so early so we decided it is too stressful for me to pick up the baby and cook dinner. We pack, and Chinese cooked rice most of the days. We decided that spending quality time with Kahyen is of higher priority than what we eat for dinner for now. After she goes to Childcare, it will be a whole new challenge then because Childcare does not provide dinner, and we probably can’t have a less than 2 year kiddo eat outside food everyday. I will have to figure out how to cook and do so many other things at the same time.

So now you know why I leave work at 530pm.



Picture source: askamum.co.uk