Common-Sense Parenting

I open the booklet by Gary Ezzo and these are the first few lines I read:


"Whatever happened to common-sense parenting? In recent years, the methods of raising a family have changed dramatically. Young parents today are constantly  subjected to new research, theories, and findings on the latest methods of parenting. Unfortunately, their children usually end up as casualties of these methods."


I can't agree with the author more. Parenthood should be one of the most natural thing to human being, it should be second nature because this is how we are designed to be - getting married, giving birth and raising up children in a family. Parenthood is not intended to be an overwhelming burden, like Gary has mentioned, rather, it should be a rewarding privilege - to love and nurture our children and see them grow.


Our parents, parents' parents and our ancestors back to a few thousand years back, have all done the job, easily and pretty well I will say. They have raised great leaders, politicians and revolutionaries, bright scientists and inventors, talented artists and musicians, and some even, genius. How many parenting books or websites were available then? I am sure Abraham Lincoln's mum did not have a book "How to raise an American President" to refer to, yet Abraham Lincoln once acknowledged, "All that I am or hope to be I owe to my mother." What about now? I feel overwhelmed by the number of parenting books and websites that teach us everything about raising up a kid. Yes I know it is not easy to bring up a kid, especially to building up character and instill good value. There is a saying in Chinese that "It takes 10 years to grow a tree, and 100 years to train a person.". I think the most important thing for parents is to be aware of your parenting style and be sure of your core values and beliefs. We will leave the second point to later.

Anyway, I read this book (or rather a booklet) that summarizes all the wrong parenting types and of course tells you what the balanced parenting type should be. It is so true and so easy to understand and just as the title suggests - it is common-sense. There are the permissive parent - He is not particularly concerned about obedience and acceptable social behavior for his children; the over-protective parent - The parent tells the child exactly what to do and how to do it, or even do it for him; the bribing parent - The bribing parent barter with his children for acceptable behavior by using bribes, threats, or even scare tactics to gain temporary control of their behavior; the threatening parent - Constant repetition of commands or directions to his children, followed by repeated threats if they do not obey. The parent is clearly trying to establish authority using the wrong way; the absent/substitute parent - The well-meaning parent is involved with the future of his family at the expense of the present - a philosophy which does not work yet is very prevalent in today's society; the manipulating parent - He seeks to gain control over his child's outward behavior by appealing to his basic and dependent emotions; the unapproachable/discouraging parent - The type itself is self-explanatory. The parent is unapproachable and discouraging, because he is too busy to be interrupted or available. Lastly the child-centerd parent - This is again self-explanatory. And many of us feel we are this type at one point or another, because our children has become our universe.

So finally what's the balanced parenting type?

Firstly, the parent must balance the four essential truths of training - love, discipline, training and example. Love without discipline produces a child who is spoiled. Discipline without love produces a discouraged child with a broken spirit. Teaching without example produces a child who is bitter and full of resentment, and also likely to be rebellious in his growing up years. And example without teaching produces a child who is exasperated and insecure.

Secondly, the parent knows when to allow his children freedom and when to pull in the reins. He knows how to train a child in obedience without gimmicks.

Thirdly, the parent knows the importance of Dad's presence in the house. Dad needs to have time for his children. He needs to speak positive and life into the children. And he also knows that there is a time for listening and a time for talking.

Finally, the balanced parent puts the husband-wife relationship first. The children are the welcome member of the family but not the center of it. The strongest families have the strongest marriages.

Aren't these simple truths that never change with time?

Note: This is a summary of the book "The Bible and Common-Sense Parenting" by Gary Ezzo. You can get a copy from Growing Family International Singapore. For more books and resources on parenting by Gary Ezzo, you may refer to the Ezzotruth website.

Parenting an 18-month and beyond

Parenting Kah Yen in the past has been relatively easy. Things to take note are just a few:

(1)   Breastfeeding / Milk

Breastfeeding can be the most natural but also the most challenging thing for a new mum and pumping milk is anything but fun, but I have managed to press on for 14 month and successfully switched her to formula afterwards, not without her going on milk strike for nearly a week though.

(2)   Solid Food

I hardly even cooked before the baby arrives, which is equivalent to say ‘I don’t know how to cook”. And she eats like a little hamster, not just a little hamster but a royal queen hamster that insists on deciding exactly what goes into her mouth for each meal. Nevertheless, for a year or so I managed to stuff enough things in the queen’s stomach at the end of each meal. And I am lucky to have a nanny who cooks porridge very well so solid food issue is considered passed. 

(3)   Physical milestones

Come to think about it, I did not do anything. She worked hard and achieved all the physical milestones herself. I am perfectly fine to just let her develop at her own pace. The only thing that worried me a little is she learnt to walk only at 15-month.  

(4)   Toys

Much of her playtime is spent on free time; she is not old enough for structured play or learning yet. Hence all we did is buying some age appropriate toys and let her choose what she wants to play.

(5)   Language development

The only thing I need to do is make sure I always talk to her, sing to her and read books to her when I am with her.

That’s it. Fairly easy right?



Mummy says I am an easy baby!

  

But now she is official 18-month old; she is walking, talking, learning and showing personality and temperament of her own. Parenting is beyond just milk, food, toys, and talking and singing now. There are so many more areas I need to learn:

(1)   Weaning off the bottle

Yes she is still drinking milk from a bottle. I know the book says that it is best to transit from bottle to straw cup after baby turns one. She can use a straw cup perfectly for drinking water, but I have not let her try to drink milk from it.

She is not a very aggressive milk drinker; she usually doesn’t finish her 150ml bottle. We are constantly on a mission to let her drink more milk especially since she is relatively small in size. We worry that any change to the current arrangement will trigger milk strike and cut down her intake drastically. Nevertheless, we have to start soon. We have heard the potential impact of drinking from a bottle for too long to language development and teeth growth.

(2)   Self-feeding

She is quite a fussy eater.  Till now I still have to make sure her food is very smooth in texture otherwise she won’t eat very well. And I have mentioned she is small in size. So you can guess how much effort we are putting in to make sure she finishes her meal. The focus right now is really to make sure she eats enough than to let her learn to be independent and feed herself. I am not ready to see half the food goes to the floor in front of me.

But, I need to train her to self-feed before two, so that she will not go hungry at Childcare. And yes the independence part, which is also very important to me. To add to the challenge, I am a working mum; I only spend 2 days per week with her, and at least half of it we may be outside. The time left to train her is very little.

(3)   Potty training

Another mission to accomplish before she turns two. Some may have potty-trained their kids at as early as one, but honestly, potty training was pretty much at the back of my mind till recently. Getting her to drink and eat well was my priority. And I have no ambition to go against the norm. I think, I have not read anything on potty training but I think, 18-month to 2-year is a good period to let her say goodbye to diapers.

As I said, I have not read ANYTHING on potty training yet.  So I have just ordered the book Potty Training 1-2-3 by Gary & Anne Ezzo, since it says that “The good news is that potty training doesn’t have to be complicated—and neither does a book that explains it.”

(4)   Language development

Things have been pretty easy in the past, as I have shared, all I need to do is make sure I always talk to her, sing to her and read books to her. It doesn’t really concern me much when she utters her first word or what is her vocabulary count at 15 or 16-month. I choose to let her go at her own pace.

Now that she is 18-month old, she is talking more and learning fast, are the above still sufficient? I recently chanced upon this Singapore SAHM’s blog “Once in a life time”, I am amazed that she already started home-schooling her daughter at 18-month old and also started to send her to enrichment classes (with her company)! I know very well I can’t do what she has done because firstly I am a full time working mum, secondly I don’t think I have enough patience to research and prepare all the home-schooling materials.

BUT, I can’t help thinking whether 18-month is a good time to start to teach my daughter ABC and words. Before I find the perfect answer to this question I am just going to continue to do what I am doing – Reading more books to her.

(5)   Structured play and learning

No more running around the house and switching toys every two minutes.  I want to focus more on structured play and to help train her attention span. This is one of areas that I feel I have compromised the most because I am a working mum. Since we sent her to Nanny during the day, her day is filled with random free play only.

To prepare her for childcare, where she doesn’t get to choose what she wants to do, and when she can do it, it is time for me to train her to follow instructions (What Mummy tells her to play) and focus on what she is doing for a prolonged time. Gosh, how to do this when I have only Sat and Sun afternoon with her? Thank God now she goes to Sunday school on Sun morning and it is an excellent platform to train her.

(6)   Obedience and self-control

Before the “Terrible two” phase starts to turn the house upside down and drive Daddy/Mummy up to the wall, we’d have to focus more on training her obedience and self-control. I am hearing myself saying more “Kah Yen, Mummy said it is time to go to bed!” “Kah Yen, No, don’t touch that!” “Kah Yen, you have to finish your food!” & “Kah Yen, go and play with your toys, don’t come to the kitchen!”… She may not have the reasoning capability to understand why certain behaviors are not allowed yet, but I need to train her to follow instructions and behave according to what is being told. I believe obedience and self-control can be trained from such a small age. I am glad that I have already gotten a copy of "Preparation for parenting - The toddlerhood transition" book, and almost the entire books talks about obedience and discipline. It is definitely not as easy as the book says, but I will work on it.

(7)   Childcare

Childcare, Childcare, when and where? Talking about childcare I am not a very good mum  – because I have not done anything yet. I know other parents who start to register their babies’ names long before they turned one. I guess we are too comfortable with our current Nanny arrangement. I am in no hurry to send her to Childcare but again I think 2-year old is a good age. Hence, I need to research on the Childcare centers near our place soon. And what are my criteria in selecting a good Childcare? What’s the best for her? … Just asking these few questions is already causing me a mild headache!

If you are reading this post you are probably already having a headache like me by now. Parenting an 18-month and beyond toddler is like a giant leap from parenting a baby right? Yes I am stressed by the challenges ahead but I am also thrilled at the opportunities that I can see her learn and grow.

PS: I have long wanted to share about the Preparation for Parenting books but I have not found the time. Meanwhile, if you are interested in the books or any other resources from Growing Family International, you can order from the GFI Singapore homepage here.

Mother's Day 2012

I did not plan to celebrate Mother's day, I told the husband the same thing too. I grew up in China, it is not really in our culture to celebrate Mother's day or Valentine's day, these are western holidays. And further more I believe Mother's day is more for children to show appreciation to their mothers, not for husband to celebrate with wife. The latter can be done in many other occasions such as my birthday and our anniversary. Kah Yen is still too young to understand what Mother's day is, so I guess we will just let this day pass quietly like a normal day.

That being said, I am still very happy when I received these two books from my husband. No flowers, no facial or spa package, no expensive meals or any other elaborate gifts. My husband knows I won't be too excited about all these because I am not a gift person. BUT, I am always excited about new books.

And what gifts can be better for Mother's day than two books that will help me to be a better person and a better mother?



Daily Spiritual Refreshment Bibile for Women
 (New Life Bible)



The Lion Book of 1000 Prayers for Children