Baby No. 2 anxiety

Tomorrow marks the entry into the last month of my pregnancy. My due date is 28 Sep 2013. A lot have been going through my mind recently. I am excited - we are going to have another baby soon, a baby boy, God's perfect gift. I am worried - who should be the caretaker for the baby when I finish my maternity leave? We still have not made up our mind. I am nervous - with a toddler and a baby I am not sure if we can cope with the morning and evening routines without any help... ... Above all, I can also get really emotional at times.

I don't know how to be a mother of two.

I don't know how the arrival of my new baby will affect my daughter Kah Yen, and my relationship with her.

I don't know if I am able to love both of my children, wholeheartedly, and 100%. Or do I need to divide my love between them?

......

For almost three years, Kah Yen has been the center of my life. (I know all parenting and marriage books will tell you - No, your children should never be the center of your life.) She has brought me so much joy and laughter. We have spent so many memorable moments together. And whenever I am with her, I always make sure I am 100% with her, my body, my heart and my mind. But soon, the arrival of our new baby will take part of me away from her. I have no doubt I will not love her less because there is a new baby in my arms, but my energy, my attention, my time and my patience will all be divided. Oh how much will she be affected! And how much the thought of it is affecting me now!

It didn't help if I were to go for C-section, (We are still deciding on this and we are going to seek a second opinion before we make the final decision.) I will need more time to rest and recover which means for at least two weeks I won't be able to bath her, carry her and just play with her, something I am doing now everyday.

I have heard mothers of two or three shared how their heart grows with the number of babies they have, making room for each new life. I have not experienced it yet. Maybe I will experience that moment when I finally hold Baby #2 in my arms. Maybe by then I won't need to worry about Kah Yen anymore because my heart has grown, it will love Kah Yen not less, but more, and it will still have room to love my new born baby, wholeheartedly.

I am waiting.

For that magical moment of motherhood.

I can't carry you anymore

So far Kah Yen has been taken my pregnancy news pretty well (or I thought so). She sees my growing belly and knows I have a baby. She pats it and say "hello" to the baby when I ask her to do so. She sings ABC song to my belly sometimes. At the end of our night prayer I lay her hand on my belly and say a quick prayer for the baby and she says "Amen" to it.

Her world has not changed much since the baby is not yet born, however, one thing that I can see has been affecting her quite a lot, is that, I can't carry her anymore.

I have always enjoyed carrying her and cuddling her, though she is old enough to walk. I continued carry her through the last four months of my pregnancy (when I am not supposed to carry anything more than 10 pounds!). Now that my belly is bigger and my back is breaking me any minute, I really can't carry her anymore.

To get her to accept this fact is not easy. As usual, I went to the internet to read what other mothers share about this. And the common advise is not to tell your toddler you can't carry him/her because you are pregnant, or you are having a baby. They may get jealous and see the baby as a rival even before the sibling is born. So I have been very careful with my words. I have been using reasons such as "You are a big girl now you should walk more." or "Mummy is very tired." or  "Mummy's back is painful." But I think along the way there must have been moments when I lost my patience and threw out words saying I am pregnant and I am having a baby!

A few nights ago, while having dinner, Kah Yen wanted to pee. I carried her down from her highchair and told her to go to the toilet herself. In the past I usually carry her all the way to the toilet, help her to pull down her pants and sit on the potty, wipe her and make sure she wash her hands, though she is already capable of doing all these all by herself. But that night, I decided to break that habit and train her to be more independent.

She said "Okay", then walked to the toilet herself. Before she went in, she stopped, looked back at me, and out of nowhere she just asked "Mummy you can't carry me anymore because you have a baby?" Then she went inside the toilet.

I was stunned. I must have said those words to her somewhere along the way. Though she is not sounding particularly sad or anything, it still breaks my heart hearing her asking such a question. I felt terribly guilty.

When she came out, I gave her a tight hug. I told her I love her and she is doing really well by going to toilet all by herself. And I told myself I will be more senstivie with my words, and I will give her the same attention and love even after the baby is born.

I can't carry you anymore, but my love for you will never change.

Milestone: Moving to a junior bed

Yesterday marked yet another important milestone for Kah Yen. At two and a half year old, she has transited from her baby cot to a junior bed.

The time is just right. I am 5 months pregnant now. We need the baby cot for the second baby eventually. But we can't move her just before the baby arrives, she will feel rejected or being displaced. In fact when we prepare her for the transition, we are very careful not to use the "We need the cot for your baby sibling" excuse but always say she is moving to a junior bed because she is a big girl now.

We felt she is also developmentally ready. She has always been falling asleep on her own in her baby cot. She never co-slept with us. The first one and a half year she shares a room with us but she sleeps on her own at 830pm. When we moved to our new house at the beginning of the year, she sleeps alone in her own room without a fuss. In fact she is very proud she has her own room. Just one week back we were in Bali for a whole week holiday,we stayed in a villa with two bedrooms, and she sleeps on a single bed in one of the rooms. She never got up and wandered around at night.

Another reason is always because she is starting to wake up at night to ask to go potty. We are not doing any nighttime potty training with her, she is still on diaper at night. But she seems to be able to hold her urine for hours at night and wake herself up when her bladder is full. It is becoming increasingly challenging for me at 5-month pregnant to carry her up and down the cot at night to bring her to potty. With a junior bed, we don't expect her to wake up and go to potty herself of course (when all the lights are off), but at least I don't need to carry her up and down.

So with all these in mind, we planned to purchase her junior bed last weekend. We try to make this whole transition a fanfare. Days before our shopping day, we have been telling her we are going to buy her a junior bed because she is now a big girl, and make it sound as excited as possible, and we can see her face light up. Then on the actual day, the first thing I did when I woke her in the morning is to remind her we are going IKEA today to buy her new bed. She is all like "Yeah! Let's go!".

While in IKEA, we let her try all the junior beds. Of course we have already in mind what model to buy, and we are not going to ask stupid questions like "Do you like this one or that one?" We will be the one making the final choice and purchase, we just want to get her all excited through the whole experience. At home, when Daddy is assembling her new bed, we also allow her to sit near by as a "little helper" with close supervision. She gets to pass some screws and nuts to Daddy.

When the new bed is finally ready, we make sure she is around to witness the moment of shifting the cot out and the new bed into her room. (We haven't bought the new sheet and blanket yet, otherwise we will let her help to make her new bedding too.) She is then invited to try her new bed. She happily jumped onto her new bed. We also asked her to select the soft toys she would like to sleep with her on her new bed, and she picked up them, lined them on bed and we had a "grand" photo taking ceremony.

The pictures speak more than a thousand words.

OF course we know fully well the transition is not just as simple as that. Now that she is in a bed, the new problem will be how to keep her in bed and out of trouble. Yesterday was the first night, we kept the same bedtime routine and settled her to bed. She came out once before falling asleep to go potty. After that, she was back to bed and soon asleep. She didn't wake up the whole night.

We will monitor for the next few days how it goes. If she refuses to stay in bed and starts wander around, we will have to establish some new rules with her. Though I really miss the convenience a confining baby cot brings when it comes to sleep, I look forward to going through this new phrase with her and seeing her grow to be a more independent and self-disciplined big girl.

Mummy is happy!

We hardly use the word "sensible" on a two-year old child. The two are just not linked. How can a two-year old in any sense be sensible when they stand and dance on high chair during meal, run around the house naked when it is bedtime, spill water onto your carpet, draw pictures on your newly painted walls, and throw into a fist when you are leaving the shopping mall without him/her taking a kiddy ride? ... Well, you know what I mean and you know the list can go longer and longer.

But, there are times when your two-year old is behaving almost like a grown-up, and it is usually right after you have lost control of yourself and let go on him/her, and it almost instantly make you feel like you are the WORST mum ever ... Well, I just had such a moment.

It was Sunday, after church and lunch, we were finally back home at 2pm. I managed to put her to bed 30 minutes later after a quick shower and a bottle. She was expected to take a nap. However, half an hour later, I peeked into her room, she was playing with her soft toys. One hour later, I peeked again and she was still playing.

This has been happening quite often during weekends. The battle to get her to nap has been both frustrating and exhausting.

Hence, when I peeked in the third time and found she was still playing, I dashed into the room. I was angry on my face and in my tone. "Kah Yen, you are supposed to sleep, not play!' I shouted. And I removed all her soft toys from her bed to the carpet. She was stunned initially, and then started to cry when she saw her soft toys been thrown onto the floor. I stared at her with a stern face for a good two minutes. I then gave her only one soft toy - her Baby Pooh, and ordered her to lie down and sleep.

Part of me wants her to sleep because I care for her, the other part of me wishes her to sleep so that I can have my peaceful afternoon, so that I can even take a nap myself. That part of me was selfish. I know.

Five minutes later, I opened her room again just to check she was alright after my outburst. I saw she was lying down quietly on her bed, her eyes are still wide open though, she didn't look lie she was sleepy at all.

She saw me in. She turned her head and said:

"No more playing with soft toys, Okay?"

"Yes, that's right, it's your nap time." My voice was much softer.

"Must lie down and sleep, Okay?" She said again.

"Yes." I stroked her hair, and smiled gently.

"Mummy is happy!" She exclaimed and smiled at me.

I wanted to say something but my throat was blocked. My 2.5-year old, after I have just yelled at her, was lying down quietly so that mummy will not be angry anymore, but be happy. That seems to concern her more than anything.

I remembered all the times when I have yelled at her and been impatient with her, I wonder how much I must have frightened her, how disturbed her little soul must be seeing her causing me to be angry. And how shamefully I am for showing her the ugly side of her mummy - when to her pure and innocent mind, the word "mummy" means "love", and nothing else.

I left the room with a mixed feeling of guilt and warmth.

I will do better next time. I know.

Simply toys, creative playing

Ever since I came across the book "Simplicity Parenting" one year back, I have always believed that too many toys are no good for children, especially fancy battery-powered and brightly colored electronic toys.

Throughout the last two and half year, we have been very "stingy" with buying toys for Kah Yen. We visit "Roys R Us" not more than two times a year, and each time we have not spent more than S$50. She does not have a lot of toys at home, which is totally fine. I have noticed with the few toys we have, she can have more imaginative play, she is more focus when she is at play, and it is always fun to observe how she plays.

Here are some photos I have taken over time of her and her simply toys.

Soft toys

Children, no matter boys or girls, should never be deprived of soft toys. Soft toys are usually the first toys they have when they are still an infant lying in their cribs. Through soft toys, they develop their touch sensor, they learn about different animals, they develop their first "friendship", and they get to pretend to be grown-up mothers, doctors and teachers.

Don't buy too many soft toys though. Just stick to a few your children really like. Also note not all soft toys are suitable for young babies due to the loose fur materials.
 

Playing seesaw with her "friends" on our bolster

 
Animal figurines

Similar to soft toys, children love to pretend play with them. Animal figurines can also be played together with many other toys, such as building blocks, picnic sets.

Recently, Kah Yen likes to take out all her animal figurines and help them to either stand or sleep one by one, and she'd talk to them as she does it. She can be on it for a long time.



Animals ready to a-march together



Now time to take a nap on the green pasture


Building blocks

Building blocks of all shapes and sizes are the best toy you can ever get for your little ones. They are open-ended. They can be used to create anything that is in the children's mind. While playing with building blocks, young children develop their fine-motor skills, thinking skills, and most importantly, their imagination will soar!



"If I ran the zoo"


Lego

Lego is one of the best buys we had. Lego is similar to building blocks, slightly more limited but also can be used to create almost everything. Lego helps to build fine motor skills because it requires a hard grip.




Welcome to Kah Yen's tree house


Cooking/Picnic Set

Okay, these belong to the "cheap plastic toys" category. Some parents prefer to give their children real cooking sets from the kitchen (of course make sure the size and materials are suitable), but if you can't find any suitable ones, a set of the plastic ones is the next best option. We bought them really cheap and until this day Kah Yen still love to play with them.



What's for dinner?



Donkey's breakfast


Art & Craft materials 

With Art & Craft materials, there are so much room for imaginations and learning.

Since young, Kah Yen has been playing with magnetic drawing board, and when she is bigger, we give her crayons and finger painting materials. In fact, when we travel, we always make sure we have drawing board or crayons with us, they can keep Kah Yen occupied no matter where we are. Recently we have started to do craft activities with her too.



Lunch is done, time to draw something



The bunny family

Other good open-ended toys are playdough and dress-up clothes, we don't have them but I am on a misson to get some soon.

Here are some good articles about simply toys and creative playing. Stop buying too many plastic toys, too many battery powered toys, too many hi-tech educational gadgets. With simply toys, engage them and be an active participant in their play, it foster your children's development more than letting them be buried inside clustered toys.

Our Top 3 Favorite Simply Toys
Toys That Encourage Creative Play
Smartest toys can be the simplest

A little girl with pigtails

I seldom have the chance to tie her hair because I am the first one to leave house for work every morning. But when I do during the weekends, she is as happy as this.



I absolutely love little girls with pigtails. Not to mention she has the softest hair I have ever seen with a gentle natural curl. It is a shame nowawadys we have to cut her hair every two or three months. Daddy is the one getting her ready to school every morning, and he has no idea how to tie her hair. Even if he does, he thinks it is totally inappropriate for a man to tie her daughter's hair. "It's a mother's job!" said him. Well... I was actually a little bit disappointed when I first heard this, I have always wanted him to be as close to our daughter as possible, to have the special bonding with her and be the man of her life till she grows up and meets her love. I have no doubt he loves her very much. He spends time to play with her everyday. He also shares the responsiblity of taking care of her basic needs.

But a person's personality also very much affects one's parenting style, some are more affectionate while others may be more serious, some are more physical than the others. My husband is not the very expressive type, expecially in public. If he finds it awkward to tie her hair now, will he also find it awkward to bring her out for dates when she is a young woman, to hold her hand and to hug her like what he is doing now? Oh I hope he will not be.

However, I know I should not place my own expectation of what kind of father he should be on him. I should just allow him to learn to love her in his own ways, and let their bonding develop naturally as the years go. As a man who loves God, I am pretty sure his love for our daughter will only grow stronger each day.

He is the one snap all these photos and put them on collage by the way.

I am thankful today

Ever since the beginning of this year, I have been living in a state of Mummy guilt. I am guilty for the even less time I now have with Kah Yen, because of the distance of our new house. I have to leave house at around 7am in the morning, she doesn't get to see Mummy when she wakes up. I reaches home at 7pm, and when Kah Yen comes back, I am usually in a rush preparing for dinner, I don't have a minute for her till dinner is ready. I am guilty for pushing her bedtime to 930pm knowing that she may not get enough sleep. I am guilty for putting her at childcare center for a whole day. I am guilty she has to travel with Daddy to his workplace for we can't find a suitable childcare center nearby...... I feel totally defeated as a working mum.

Then day by day I see how my husband and Kah Yen try their best to adjust, how he offers help and assurance along the way, how she continues to thrive and grow, I know I should be thankful for what I already have, especially for the child that God has given me.

For she is such a happy and contented child.

She wakes up in the morning a happy child, even though she may not get enough sleep some days

She looks forward to going to school everyday, she likes all her teachers and friends in school

She never dreads the MRT journey because Daddy is with her

Just meeting her favorite cat downstairs can make her day

She always comes back home with a big smile on her face, and a big hug for Mummy

She is contented to play on her own while we get dinner on the table

Mealtime may not be her favorite, but she enjoys our presence. There are times she has stopped eating but doesn't want to come down because she wants to wait for Daddy and Mummy. There are times she suddenly starts singing while eating "Daddy Mummy I love you, you love me, we are a great big family!"

A short walk to the park or the playground after dinner is all we have for family time, but it's the highlight of her day

Every night we go through the same routine, dinner/park/shower/milk/teeth brushing/reading/praying/sleep, but the word "boredom" is never on her face

She won't go to bed without us reading her the bible and praying for her

She can go on to talk for days for a new spoon Daddy bought for her

She sometimes just walks to me randomly and says "Mummy, I am happy today."

......


I am truly thankful.

Kah Yen's friends

When Kah Yen came back from school telling me who are her friends. I was really excited, the same excitement when she first started to walk or spoke her first words. This is definitely a big milestone in the social development of toddlers.

She had never attended any playgroup or playdates before she went to school. The only playmates are the two big brothers at our Nanny's place. She does not have any friends. Anyway, the concept of friends is also something too abstract for 1-2year olds.

When she started to attend school at 26-month old, I would occasionally ask her "Do you have any friends in school?" The answer was an absolute "Yes", but when I asked further who were her friends, she was not able to give me any names. Maybe she doesn't have any particular friend, to her all her classmates are her friends. Or maybe she did make some friends, she just can't remember their names yet at this age.

Then two months into school, one day when I was reading her a book about a bear and his friends going for a trip, she suddenly told me "My friends are Timothy and Isabel!"

Another day she came back and told me "Isabel didn't come today."

And another day, "Timothy played with water today."

...

As a new mother, how exciting it is to hear my 2+ old daughter talking to me about her friends and what they did in school! I hope this will be the start of many years to come, she'd continue to share with me about her friends and her day in Primary school, Secondary school and beyond.

Toddler Peeing Rule

No books told me about this. I figured it out from my two-year old daughter.

Here is the Toddler Peeing Rule:

I ONLY WANT TO PEE WHEN I CAN'T HOLD IT ANY LONGER!

AND WHEN I NEED TO PEE, I NEED TO PEE RIGHT NOW AND RIGHT HERE!

Logically it does make sense, I mean the first part. You only pee when you are urgent. But sometimes situation requires us to pee even though we don't feel the urgency. Like for us adults, before we go into cinema for a two-hour movie, we visit the toilet first; if we are going to take a long bus ride, we visit the toilet first; when you are in the park, you visit the toilet whenever you see one in case there isn't another one later. Right?

But toddlers are so pre-occupied with playing, they think the peeing business is totally a waste of time. Unless they are super urgent, they simply refuse to visit the toilet.

And toddlers make their own rule that nobody can change!

Because of this, we had a few accidents outside the house. She refused to pee when we were going out. I had to let her pee behind the bushes when we were in the park. The husband thought it is so gross. But I'd rather let her pee on the grass than peeing inside her pants.

Peeing inside her pants is ten times worse.

That night when we came back from the park, the moment we stepped out of the lift, she started screaming " I WANT TO PEE! I WANT TO PEE!". I rushed to open our front gate only to see her peeing inside her pants right in front of my eyes - standing - with the pee going right into her shoes. I ended up having to wash not just pants that time.

The other time, I managed to open the door fast enough and grabbed her to the toilet, but while I was pulling down her pants, a stream of warm water spashed right into my hands. I lost the battle by 0.5 second.

And I did not mention the countless times she said "No" when I ask her if she needs to pee before going to bed, only to hear her screaming from her room 15-30 minutes later "Mummy I need to pee!", when I had expected her to have already fallen asleep. I had not started any night training on her yet, so she is actually wearing her diaper, sometimes I feel like saying "You are wearing your diaper, you can just pee inside." but that will make me a really bad mum.

I will say I am already 99% successfully toilet training Kah Yen, which is considered very good since I only started in January, but I am still fighting the 1% because of the toddler peeing rule.

Going through transitions

Just as Kah Yen settles down in her childcare center and is starting to enjoy school, changes are coming again. We are moving house this weekend. Her routine has always been something I dedicately protected, this time, with our new house being messy for at least a week or so, and with a new room for her to sleep on her own, I have fear that her routine will be totally disturbed.

To make matter worse, she has fallen sick since last weekend and is still not fully recovered yet.

To make matter the worst, I have been sick too.

Going through transitions with young children, is an REAL challenge.

I hope everything will go well.

I will be taking a few days off next week to unpack the things, and hopefully, to bring order back to our lives. Kah Yen will still go to childcare in the morning with Daddy. The distance is further, I hope they will get used to it soon.

Meanwhile, wish everyone a happy preparation for Chinese New Year!

Potty Potty I'm Ready

One of my many resolutions last year was to potty train Kah Yen the moment she turns two, or at least before I send her to school.

I read a book on potty training and went through a checklist many times, I think she is more than ready. But the book says I need a block of 4-5 days at home to do nothing but potty training her, in order to achieve success, I struggled with taking leave for 4-5 days just for this purpose hence I procrastinated. It also requires a lot of consistency, which is something I am quite bad at.

So Kah Yen went to school with diaper. I was awfully guilty.

......

These are the basic signs of readiness I observed: She has regular bowel movement in the morning and is already trained to poo in the potty; her diaper can be dry for one or two hours at times; she has a strong desire for independence; she is interested when I use the toilet; she understands and follows most instructions; she knows the meaning of "Pee" and "Poo" and say them.

When I was at school with her on the first day, I was really delighted to hear from her English teacher that she can help to potty train Kah Yen. I was told most of the two-year-olds in the class are already potty trained. There is one boy who started training recently and the Chinese teacher brought her to the toilet regularly every 30 minutes. I was very impressed with the patience and dedication of the teacher.

So on the second day of school, I ditched the diaper and put Kah Yen on training pant. Talking about minimizing changes and transitions in young children's life, I think I went totally against the rule!

I don't know exactly how the teachers do it. I think they just try to bring her to the toilet at regular intervals till she grasps the idea that pee is only meant for the potty/toilet. I was expecting them to put her on diaper for afternoon naps so everyday I pack two spare diapers in her bag, but they are never touched. I am sure accidents do happen because twice she came back with a bag heavier than usual, and I found soaked pants in plastic bags. We didn't ask for a detail report everyday but the teacher told us on the first week that Kah Yen can go one to one-and-a-half hour without wetting her pants, which is very good progress according to the teacher.

We do the same at home too. We sit her on potty in the morning when she wakes up, and in the evening before dinner and then before bedtime. Last Saturday we brought her out in the afternoon and I totally forgot to bring her to the toilet till almost two hours later, and I was happy to find out her pant was still dry. Sunday morning I let her wear her training pant to Sunday school, when I picked her up two hours later, she was dry.

......

These are very good progress, but, until now it is still us or the teachers taking the lead, not her. Potty training cannot be accomplished without her taking the lead to tell us when she needs to use the potty. I think we still have a long way to go.

Last Friday, she came back home running to me in the kitchen screaming "I want to pee! I want to pee!" Thinking it's just her way of trying to get my attention after a day's school, I replied to her "Kah Yen, be patient, let Mummy finish cutting this vegetable first." Then she screamed again "I want to pee! I want to pee!" and looked completely restless. Daddy followed in and said she has been asking to pee since they were on the train.

Then it suddenly occured to me that, she was controlling her urine and now telling us she wanted to pee. She is taking the lead.

Bravo! I think we are almost there. Let's see how consistent she will be for the next few weeks, we might use one of those potty train charts or reward charts to reinforce, if necessary.

I forget you are only two

We came back at 2pm from church, I showered you and gave you your bottle. I put you down for your nap and expected you to fall asleep as soon as possible, only to find you came out of the room 15 mins later telling me "I want to pee". You have just peed before shower and I have put you on diaper for nap. I brought you to the potty and sent you back to bed again, 15 mins later you came out and wanted to pee again. I brought you to the potty again and nothing came out by the way. I then went in to lie down with you to make sure you sleep. For half an hour or so I dozed on and off while humming a lullaby, you were still playing with your soft toy, your pillow, your bolster and even attempted to make a conversation with me. I was furious. I took away all the things on the bed and shouted at you to close your eyes and sleep. I expected you to lie down even though you don't feel like sleeping. I forgot you are only two.

After you woke up from your nap, we lay down on the bed and I was reading you a book -  a poem book. Your little hands just couldn't do nothing for a moment and they kept coming to me to grab the book despite me telling you many times "Let me read to you". I was so frustrated I pushed your hands away, with a strong force. If it is a picture book I will let you read together with me like we always do in the evening, but I told you this is not a picture book. When I said "Let me read to you", I expect you to be still and listen. I forgot you are only two.

I was cooking dinner in the kitchen. I asked you to stay in the living room and play with your toys. You still wandered around in the kitchen and at times even asked me to carry you. How could I carry you when both my hands are busy? And didn't I tell you many times it is dangerous to play in the kitchen when I am cooking? I grabbed your arms and dragged you to the living room and my anger was all shown on my face. I forgot you are only two.

Dinner was served. You finished 80% of your food and then started to play with the remaining. You finished all your food yesterday and the day before yesterday, I expected you to only do better. And didn't I tell you not to play with your food? Do you know how many children in African are suffering from hunger? I snatched the bowl away from you and ignored all your requests thereafter. I forgot you are only two.

It was shower time. I took off all your clothes at the bathroom entrance and instead of coming in, you ran all over the house with your naked body. It was already 8pm and bedtime would be delayed again if we don't hurry, plus nobody runs about naked even in their own house. I forgot they told me two-year-olds do. I forgot you are only two.

......

Yes these are all very important - be attentive, listen and obey instructions, have self-control, know your manners, but I forget that you are only two, you are still work-in-progress. If you have become a master of all these by two I would be out of job now. I forget that good values are not just taught, but also modelled. I forget that you have just started school, you need more love, more attention and move assurance from me. I forget that discipline works hand-in-hand with love. I forget that even though I am 29 I am still work-in-progress, I still have a lot to learn, to be patient, to control my anger, my voice and my tone.

Someone reminds me again tomorrow, that she is only two.

Looking forward to 2013

Year 2013 is going to be a year of many changes. Just last week, Kah Yen started to attend a full day childcare; Two weeks down the road we are moving to our new house at Punggol. With the distance going further between work and home for both of us, both our morning and evening routines need to be adjusted; No more take-away dinners since Kah Yen will eat with us. I am starting to cook every night; And we are planning to have a second baby once we settle down in our new house. If the blessing comes to us, I would be a preggy for the bulk of the year and start all over again what I did two years back when a crying baby landed in my arms. And life after that, I have not imagined and could not imagine for now so let’s just leave it to the 2014 resolutions instead.

So here are my 2013 New Year resolutions, just a few.

(1) Learn to cook

Yes, learn to cook, before husband and Kah Yen get sick of chicken soup with noodle, chicken soup with rice, chicken soup with vegetables, and chicken soup with nothing. We have installed a built-in oven in our new kitchen, so hopefully I will learn some new and quick ways of cooking chicken, and add in some other meat to our meals so that we can give the poor chicken a break. I also need to learn to plan our meals in advance and better organize our fridge so that I can prepare and store enough food for the whole week, to make home-made dinner possible after rushing back from work everyday.

(2) More outdoor activities

Since we are moving to the extreme outskirt of the island, the “countryside” as some people would call it, we will make use of the free resource that is around us – the nature, for our family weekend activities. The husband is already looking into buying two bicycles for us with a baby seat, and one toddler bike for Kah Yen, we will be out cycling along the waterway and the beach almost every weekend. We can also explore the wetlands, the fishing ponds and the woods. I think I am the right candidate for the “World’s Miser Mom” title because if you look carefully at those activities, they are mostly free.

Another benefit of going outdoor? - I can tell people without blushing at the end of the year that I did have some exercise.

   

(3) Read classic books

I grew up in a country where study is all about academics, and reading is not part of study unless you read your text books. There are not many books available in my home and school anyway. Hence, the number of classic books I have read over the years can be counted with both hands. I developed the love for reading as an adult and have read a number of books over the years. However, I have come to my bottleneck to find good and interesting books ever since Borders closed down in Singapore and Popular’s best-sellers are filled with “How to be a Billionare” and “How to talk to people and win friends”. I chanced upon The Classic Club sometime last year and have since decided to go back to basics – reading classic books. I have generated a list of 30 over classic books and have already attempted Charles Dickens, Ernest Hemingway and the Bronte sisters. I am loving it. And almost all classic books are available in the library.

The other reason to start reading classic books is to be a good role-model for Kah Yen. How to expect a child growing up love reading when one has never seen her parents read? I am very passionate about reading to children and have been fervently reading picture books to Kah Yen since she was a baby. I am planning to start reading children’s classics like ‘Charlotte’s web”, “Aesop’s fables” and “Alice’s Adventure in Wonderland” etc as soon as she turns three. And we will never stop from there.

(4) Continue blogging

Blogging (or online journaling as I prefer to call it) is one of the best things I have started last year. Through blogging, I developed a love for writing; I met other mom bloggers whose stories are constantly a source of comfort and inspiration to me; And most importantly, through blogging, I learnt to celebrate simple moments of life more, I become a more grateful person. However, at some point in time I struggled with blogging too, I spent much more time on the internet and computer after I started blogging; I was sometimes carried away and started to compare other people’s kids with mine; I was obsessed with the statistics – how many people are reading my blog? how can I increase my readership? … Each time I reminded myself why I started blogging in the first place – to record and to celebrate the growing years of Kah Yen - it helps me to stay focus. So in year 2013, I will continue to write and stay focus.

(5) Pray more

I was struggling whether to keep this point to myself since most people on the internet do not like too religious stuff, but I do not want to appear a different person over here from who I am in the real world. After becoming a parent, I have realized how important a prayerful life is. With most of waking hours spent away from my children, and with the social media world they are going to grow up in, there is really nothing much I can do but keeping them in my prayers. In year 2012 I have come across this phrase and have since used it as a motto ‘You can’t be a perfect parent, but you can always be a praying parent.”

(6) Have a second baby

I am more than ready. The rest is the waiting.

Kah Yen is two

I have been procrastinating this post. She turned two last week. We bought the cake, lighted up the candles, opened the presents and sang the birthday song, Kah Yen was very excited by all the attention she was getting. I doubt she fully understands the meaning of "birthday" but she surely knows it is something good because everybody was treating her like a queen.

I am very happy but deep down in my heart, part of me also wants to tone down all the celebrations, that part of me wishes she stops growing up too fast. Turning two means she is saying byebye to the toddlerhood phase pretty soon - a phase of discovery, of learning, of fun and of pure joy, a phase I have enjoyed so much.

She is curious, she is playful, she is full of energy. She does things typical two-year-olds do. She sees a puddle, she jumps into it; She dashes across field to chase after birds and wonders why they always run away from her; She says "Hi" and "Hello" to the cats and dogs on the streets and if I don't stop her, she will give them a kiss on their furry cheeks too; She points and talks non-stop in taxis and on buses; She wiggles her body to the tune of the music; She jumps and rolls on our bed naked after shower; She plays with her toys full of imagination on some days while on others she throw them all over the floor; She likes to be read to and pretends she can read; She opens the bottles, she opens the drawers, she opens everything that is openable; She giggles non-stop at the silliest of actions such as a tickle, a wink on one eye or a sticking-out tougue.

She is also learning to be independent, a "symptom" of two-year-olds I have been warned. She brushes her own teeth (sort of); She turns on and off the water tap on her own when washing hands; She wants to be the one to open the door when going out, and switching on the lights when coming back; She will be the first one to push the lift buttons, which sometimes leads us to the wrong floor; She applies her own baby bath and rubs her own tummy; She wants to take off her own pants and her own diaper. Sometimes it annoys me when I am rushing and she is trying to be "helpful", but most days I give in a little to let her feel "Mighty Big".

I have never dreamt of having a girl so sweet, so gentle and so affectionate. When I leave for work early in the morning, she hurries to the door to give me a "hi-five", a hug and a kiss. When I pick her up from nanny in the evening, she won't leave without saying "Byebye" to everyone in the house, including running to the kitchen just to say "Bye" to the maid. She remembers all of them in her night prayers, when I say "God bless Kah Yen", she follows "Bless Popo, bless Korkor, bless Jiejie, bless aunty", aunty is the maid. She gives the biggest hugs and the biggest smile. She brings her Baby Pooh with her everywhere she goes. She helps us take our shoes off the shoe rack whenever we are going out.

She hasn't learnt her ABCs, she still doesn't count in sequence, she is not very interested in her colors, she can't hold her spoon very well, and she is still in her diapers, but all of these do not change the slightest how I love her just the way she is.

Happy birthday, my little girl.

What is this?

About a month ago, Kah Yen suddenly started to use the phrase "What is this?" all the time when she saw new things or read new picture books. She must have picked up this from our reading sessions, during which I usually point at familiar things and ask her "What is this?" so that she can say their names.

It is a good thing. And we are more than happy to tell her things she doesn't know to help build up her vocabulary. Hence we always make a point to hear her and answer her question, even though sometimes I have to say "I don't know, let's ask Daddy later".

Then came the day when I knew the answer to her question but didn't quite know how to answer it.

Last night, after bathing her, I wrapped her with a dry towel and lay her on our bed, as I was wiping her body dry, she suddenly point at her private part and asked me "What is this?"

Not quite prepared for this, I answered with a moment of pause and hesitation "That's your backside."

I hope you are not laughing at me right now. The husband did when I told him the story after I came out of the room. He said "How can you bluff her that's her backside, when it is obviously not!" I thought it is alright to say that's her backside, since during diaper change or bath time, we may say "Let's wipe/wash your backside." but we always wipe/wash both the front and the back. Hence we can treat that as part of the backside too, or maybe part of the backside assembly at least.

Anyway, the point is, there is no need for her at this age to know exactly what is it called right? I am pretty sure I myself did not know until I was in secondary school.

Apparently, my 23-month old daughter doesn't think so, for after I answered her question, she pointed at her buttock and said "Backside is here."

This girl is too smart for her age!

"Okay...well... yes backside is there. And this is where Kah Yen pee pee."

"Where Kah Yen pee pee." She repeated then turned around to look at other things in the room. I guess she accepted this explanation for now but I am not sure if she was really convinced. And soon she will realize "Where Kah Yen pee pee" is not really a name, and why every other part of the body has a name and this one doesn't.

I never expected my daughter to ask me this question at this age, I thought we can just go about life without explicitly saying its name. I am sure by now you can see that I am quite a traditional person, who feels rather uncomfortable mentioning names of private parts.

This morning the first thing I did after turning on my computer was to type into Google "How to teach your kids about private parts?" Thank God for the internet.

As I browse through, I find that most parents are open about teaching their children private parts and most doctors advise us to do so (These are all westerns of course since the sites are in English). In summary, these are the points I gathered:

1. Teach them the proper names
2. Teach them the same way you teach any other parts of the body, so that they won't feel awkward, uncomfortable or ashamed of their private parts
3. Teach them to use the names appropriately
4. Emphasize that they are their private parts, they should keep them private and don't show to others. Nobody can see or touch them except Daddy, Mommy and Doctors, or the child's other caretakers

Okay looks like I will have to pull myself out of my comfort zone and be cool about this whole thing. I don't think at two-year old she can understand the meaning of private yet so I am just going to tell her the name, and then warn her not to say the word too much.

I have a reason. A few months ago when she started to notice her nipple, I taught her the word. Then the next moment when Daddy came in, she shouted excitedly "Nipple nipple, Kah Yen nipple, Daddy show nipple". I quickly moved out of the house before she asked to view mine.

Any parents here have different advise on this subject? I especially like to hear from you because most of us are Asian parents, our culture is still very different from the west.

And so it worked

I shared earlier this week on the problems I am facing with Kah Yen's bedtime and what we are doing right now to re-train her back to sleep on her own. And here is the update.

The fifth night went pretty much the same as the fourth night. I put her down on her cot and prayed for her. She still cried the moment I ended the prayer, but she did not clinch to me and refuse to lie down like the previous few nights. She cried at my leaving but she remained lying down. I think it is already a big improvement. It means she has received the message we are telling her through our words and action now - that she is supposed to lie down and sleep on her own. It also says that her crying at bedtime is not a deliberate disobedience that we need to seriously look into and discipline. She may be crying because she is frightened by noise or darkness, or she plainly wants to be with Daddy/Mommy more. These can be tackled by showing her more love and praying for her more. If she is deliberately being defiant, the action required will be different and more challenging.

Just like the fourth night, she stopped crying immediately when I left the room. And she did not make a single sound after that. 15 minutes later I went in to check on her, she was already fast asleep.

Last night was the sixth night. And I am happy to tell you that she didn't cry at all! We even put her down to bed half an hour earlier than usual because we were expecting visitors for a gathering. After I prayed for her, she said "Amen" without me prompting. And when I said "Goodnight" to her, she returned "Goodnight Mommy!" and then turned to the other side of the cot. I left the room quickly and she did not cry.

And a child who happily sleeps on her own and sleeps early wakes up a happy child in the morning. This morning the moment I got up from my bed, I received a cheerful "Good Morning Mommy!" greeting from her. She was already awake in her cot but she did not make any noise to wake us up. 

A happy child in the morning

I am not sharing this to brag about what a good girl Kah Yen is or how good we are at training her, but rather, I hope this serves as an encouragement to other parents who are also going through some struggles at bedtime with their toddlers, whether your child refuses to sleep on his/her own, or only goes to bed at the wee hours. 

It is not easy. I had my low moments in the past two weeks. And this is not the only time we have to re-train her. It happened a few times before. But, take heart, it can be done. It requires firstly discipline from us parents, to be consistent and stick to the same schedule and routine for our children; and then we need to be tough, to dare to discipline when our children disobey. But most importantly, we need to have the conviction that it is something good for our children and worth the effort to do. A healthy sleep is critical to their growth and development, it can't be emphasized more.

22-month and counting

This post is late. She is already into the fourth week of her 22-month, five weeks shy of 2-year old. I have been looking at this photo of her for the past 2 weeks. In this photo she has a very bright and beautiful smile, but that's not the real reason. The real reason is, from this photo, I can't find any trace of babyhood on her face anymore, I have a big girl in front of me, and it makes my heart ache a bit every time I think about it. 

How fast she has grown!

The growing-up process is not as rosy as the photo shows though, especially for the last month. Elaine from Sweet Sophia has shared her recent struggle with Sophia during bedtime, quite coincidentally, my 22-month old is giving me new headache too.

It all started with us though. She has been falling asleep on her own cot at 8:30pm every day since she was a baby. But recently, due to the hot weather, she sweated a lot and was not sleeping very well. She asked to fall asleep on our bed and we gave in, hoping she would fall asleep better. 

It was totally a mistake. It worked on the first few days and then out of a sudden she realized her new found freedom - she could come down from our bed easily and come out of the room if she didn't want to sleep. We had to send her back to bed a few more times. Following which she would scream and cry and demand us to lie down with her. We each did it for a few nights and it was both frustrating and tiring. So we decided once and for all we were going to train her back to sleep on her own again. Of course she screamed like hell when we put her down to her own cot the first night, she cried hysterically round after round as if we were dumping her forever, it was so painful for me but I told myself to be tough and decisive this time, however, after 10 minutes my heart gave in and I went into the room and promised to lie down on the floor till she fell asleep, she calmed down quickly and soon fell into sleep.

So for a few nights, I lied down on the floor till she was about to doze off and then wiggled my body out like an earthworm, as a result our bedroom floor is at least five times shinier than before. 

It was still tiring especially when one of us was not at home, which happens at least once a week, because there are other housework to do after she sleeps. What's more than the tiring part is the frustration. We were frustrated more at ourselves than at her. We knew well she is capable of sleeping on her own, but due to our inconsistency we had caused this bad habit in her and now we don't have the courage to correct and re-train her - for it requires seeing her crying into sleep and doing nothing.

To cut the story short, after this drama went on for one week Daddy made up his mind that we were going back to basics - to train her to sleep on her own again. No more lying down on the floor! We pray and we say goodnight and we leave her in the room, even if she cries.

So it started a few days back. It really hurt me to see Kah Yen crying and clinching to me so desperately the moment I finished praying for her, in fact before I could say "Amen" she already jumped up and grabbed my arms, but I had to remove her hands and put her down, and walk out of the room the fastest I can.

The first night, she cried and screamed for as long as 15 minutes before she was finally exhausted and sobbed into sleep. I was standing right outside the door the whole time but I did not go in.

The second night, she cried for about 5-7 minutes.

The third night, she cried for 2 minutes then stopped. It stopped so fast I was actually a bit worried something was wrong, but I resisted going in. 

Tonight was the fourth night, Daddy was not at home but I was determined to do it even on my own. I put her down, same thing happened, but after I came out of the room, she stopped crying almost within a minute. Even I was surprised at the progress.

I know that tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, she will probably still cry when I put her down, but I am going to continue doing it till she sleeps contently on her own again. How I miss the times when she happily says "Amen!" after my prayer, when she gives me her goodnight kiss generously, and before I close the door and come out she would shout another "Goodnight Mommy!". How I miss those times! To tell you that I am doing this without being emotional is a lie. I often feel guilty that I am too harsh on her, after all she is very well behaved throughout the day. I also worry if this is purely behavioral, or there is some real fear or insecurity in her that she is not able to express. All I can do is keep praying for her. 

This entire episode made me ponder a lot these days. Parenting is really a huge responsibility. It requires much consistency, diligence, courage and conviction to train up our children the way they should go. And we often fall short of the standard because we are not perfect parents. But it definitely worths the effort because it is one of the most rewarding experiences we can ever have. Children are a blessing, a delight, a reward and a heritage.

It's Kah Yen's Ah Pooh

Kah Yen brings her baby pooh with her everywhere we go, yes I mean everywhere. Every time we are about to step out of the house, Kah Yen will without fail say "Take Ah Pooh!". Both husband and I had the experience of running from the bus stop back to our house (by staircase) to take Ah Pooh in a 100-meter sprint speed because we were rushing to go out and we have forgotten to take Ah Pooh.

Because we bring it with us everywhere we go, we sometimes get into trouble. Other babies and toddlers  will try to snatch it away from Kah Yen!

The first time, while we were sitting at the parents corner during a church service, Kah Yen was playing on the floor with paper and crayon, baby pooh was sitting inside the stroller. Sitting behind us was another family with a girl a few months older than Kah Yen, she was playing with something else initially but suddenly saw Ah Pooh and came forward to take it. It happened so sudden I did not know how to react. I reckon it was okay to let her hug it for a while since Kah Yen was playing with crayon anyway, and also it seems inappropriate for me to snatch it away from her. So I let her have it and the next I knew, Kah Yen was looking at her and was full of tears! She was a mild girl, not the type that will walk right to the girl and take Ah Pooh back herself, but she was certainly very hurt and very sad that somebody was trying to take her beloved Ah Pooh away. Seeing her cry, I turned to the girl, tried to gentlely talk to her and take Ah Pooh back. She resisted but thanksfully her mum stepped in.

That instance taught me something - that I should stand up for Kah Yen and protect what's important to her now, so that she knows her rights and she will stand firm for herself when she grows up. Baby Pooh is important to her, and nobody has the right to take it away from her. It is one thing to always encourage her to share with others, it is entirely another matter to force her to give up her things or her own rights. Daddy made the same mistake too. Daddy was carrying Kah Yen around in a company family day, while he was talking to his colleague, her one year old son was trying to grab Ah Pooh from Kah Yen's hands. Trying to be friendly, Daddy told Kah Yen to share Ah Pooh with the baby "Kah Yen, give it to baby, give it to him", of course Kah Yen didn't want to. So it was an embarrassing moment, luckily the mum managed to distract the baby with something else.

Both of us now learnt to stand by Kah Yen side when it comes to Ah Pooh. Similar incidents happened again at playground, when we were shopping in Ikea or just walking around the neighborhood, toddlers will come forward and try to snatch Ah Pooh and I now learnt to hold it before they can reach, and calmly and firmly I will tell them "Oh Sorry but you can't have that. It is Kah Yen's Ah Pooh". In Ikea the boy threw himself onto the floor and screamed and kicked right in the middle of the walkway, but too bad I will have to leave the tantrum to his mum to manage.

By learning to say "No, it is Kah Yen's Ah Pooh." now, we are also preparing ourselves to teach Kah Yen to stand up for herself later when she goes to school, to be able to say "No, you can't have that, it is my toy." or "No, I am playing with this right now, you will have to wait till I finish" to other kids, to be honest about her feelings and direct in expessing them, when she is not comfortable with a certain situation. But of course, while teaching her to be assertive, we should also remind her it is not the same as aggressiveness and being sensitive to others is also equally important.

I was not taught to be assertive myself when I grew up. I felt awfully guilty whenever I have to say no to other people, and I often found myself given in to others. It is yet another thing for me to learn as a mother, to "grow up with Kah Yen".

Sunday school effects

Kah Yen had been attending sunday school for almost two months and each week we take turns to accompany her (One parent is encouraged to be there for the 18-month to 3-year old group). Other than doing a lot of singing, dancing and story-telling, the sunday school also imparts to children good behaviors like self-control through simple and consistent instructions, which I like very much. Examples are some of the things below, I call them sunday school effects.


(1) Pack up time

These 3 magical words are constantly used throughout the sunday school class. When the class is about to start, the main teacher will say "pack up time" and the children will help to put all the toys back to their respective baskets. During singing session, each child is given a scarf to dance in one of the songs, when the song ends, teacher will again shout "pack up time" and the child will pass the scarf back to the teacher one by one. It is the same during the musical instrument time too.

These 3 words indeed works like magic. There is no need to say "Children, can you please help to pack up the toys?". No you don't ask for their permission, you give them instruction, simple and clear.

At home Kah Yen is usually co-operative when it comes to packing up toys. If she doesn't want to play with certain toy anymore, she will usually pack it up before passing back to me, like putting all the crayons into the plastic bag, erasing her drawings on the magnetic drawing board, and puting all plates and cups back to her picnic basket. But when the toys are massive, like 50+ pieces of building blocks or dozens of construction cars, trucks and signboards on the floor, then we will need to engage her with "Pack up time" and she will help us with the packing.



Guess who is going to pack up the toys?


(2) Self-control hand

For a less than 2-year old to learn the idea of self-control, it isn't easy. Again the sunday school does it the simple way. The teacher asks the children to clench one hand with the other and hold them in front of their chests, like chinese wishing people "Gong Xi Fai Cai" during Chinese New Year, the parents are encouraged to hold the children's hands inside theirs to help them. And the teacher will count from 1 to 10 and 10 back to 1 before the children can release their hands. Sometimes I can feel Kah Yen's hands are trying to break loose inside mine, I will hold her tighter and don't let go, and overtime, she learnt to wait till the counting stops. The purpose of this is to help the children calm down from certain situation and hopefully divert them to something else after it.

Recently I have used this technique twice at home. First time she was playing sticker book on her high chair while we were taking dinner, the stickers were a bit too hard to take out, she was getting impatient and was going to throw the sticker book at our table. I quickly held her hand and did the "self-control hand" with her. After we'r done, I offered to help her take out a few stickers and she was contented to play with them quietly again.

Yesterday we sat down and read a book before sleep as usual, and in the middle of it she insisted on flipping the pages randomly herself, which was very disruptive to my reading. Usually I will just let her flip till she's done with it, and I will pick up reading again from where I left, but yesterday, I held her hand and did the "self-control hand" with her, and magically she sat quietly reading the book with me afterwards. The funny part is, when I was on the last few pages, she suddenly clenched her hands all by herself and started counting "2, 4, 5, 8!". It was so cute I almost burst out laughing seeing it.


(3) Sit still and focus

For sitting still and focus they use this phase "Cross your legs, fold your arms, and finger on your lip!", it is a bit long and I always guided Kah Yen to follow this instruction. But over time, it became a habit. For example, during the station games, when the children have to go from one station to another in small group to collect their bible verses, I notice Kah Yen will automatically sat down, cross her legs and fold her arms when we reached a new station. 

At home, we don't require her to sit still on the floor so much, but we do use the "Finger on your lip!" follow by "hush..." quite often when we need her to be quiet. Example, when Daddy is giving thanks for dinner, if Kah Yen talks I will put my finger on my lip and she will do the same and stop talking.



(4) Quiet time

This is different from "Finger on your lip!", this is to encourage the children to lie down and be quiet for an extended time. During quiet time, the children are told to lie down and listen to the audio bible being played. The parents are encouraged to lie down with them or lay our hands on them. This seems to be Kah Yen's favorite time. She often does it without any objection.

At home, sometimes in the weekend afternoon when we are tired playing I will switch on the soft music and tell Kah Yen to have some "Quiet time" with mummy, both of us will lie down on the floor for a while together. This is also very useful when I read children's bible to her before our night prayer. Usually just before bedtime she is over-excited and jumps around in her cot, but recently before I start reading, I wil tell her "Kah Yen, mummy is going to read the bible, lie down and it's quiet time", and she follows. I am impressed. Though she often gets up and does her usual stuff again after only a few minutes, but I think she is already doing very well.

There are other things the sunday school has taught the children too, but I am mostly impressed with the above. It is not as easy as it sounds though. Patience and perseverance will do the job. The important point is: lay out the rules with simple and clear instruction, show them how to do it, and do it consistently with them. After all, they are great observers and absorb things really fast. Train them with good behaviors and very soon we will start to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

Dealing with Toddler fears

I am increasingly finding my 20-month old toddler running to me at the sound of any loud and sudden noise, or burying her face on my shoulder when a stranger approaches or stares, and refusing to step into the living room till I switch on the lights. Yes she has developed some real toddler fears.

I choose to believe that her fears are developmental – typical of children her age, instead of calling her timid. Though her fear is so excessive sometimes that it does worry us a little.

(1)   Fear of sudden loud noises

Be it the machine from construction site nearby, the rubbish collection truck that comes behind our block daily, the water running down the drain when we flush the toilet, the thunder in a stormy weather, or even the vibration of our washing machine, all these noises will send her running to us and asking to be carried immediately.

(2)   Fear of strangers

She often buries herself on my shoulder when people step inside the lift. When she is walking in the park, a stranger passing by will make her halt and stand still till the person has passed her. Indians also intimidate her because of their skin color. Last Sunday we were in a small family restaurant for lunch, and while I was feeding her I observed she had slowly bended her head till her chin was almost touching the table, her eyes were fixing on the table, and she was extremely quiet and still. I found her action very weird until I realized the old man at the cashier, he looked all grim and sullen and he just sat there and stared at all the people in the restaurant. Kah Yen must have caught his eyes and was frightened. We had to quit our lunch early and come back home to feed her.

(3)   Fear of dark

Strictly speaking darkness has not created much fear in her yet because she is still falling asleep on her own perfectly well every night after lights out, but she often refuses to enter into the living room when we come back from outside in the evening, until I enter and switch on the light.

Conquering the babyslide

Like what I said, I believe her fears are common and are developmental. With little life experience, little knowledge of the world around them, increasing memory and growing imagination, it is not uncommon that she have changed from innocent and acting on instinct infant to a toddler who becomes fearful of the unknown. I have been thinking and reading about how to handle toddler fears and here are what I gathered.

(1)  Acknowledge their feelings, their fears are real

They may be irrational, but they are real. Ignoring or pretending a fear doesn’t exist often intensifies it and makes it the basis of other fears.

Don’t laugh at them or tease them about their fears. Acknowledge their feelings and offer your support. For the restaurant case, we brought her back home to feed her lunch.

(2) Give your support, don’t force them to confront

When they are fearful, carry them and hold them. Let them feel secure and protected. Reassure them that you won’t let anything hurt them.

Don’t force your toddler to confront. It could really scare them and even turn fear into a phobia. Our sensitive support and understanding combine with gradual exposure will help them to grow out of their fears eventually.

(3) Control your own fear, it is contagious

In some situations maybe you are also caught off-guard, don’t jump on your feet or panic. Your fear is contagious. I remembered once when I was reading with Kah Yen on our bed, the wind suddenly blew and our bedroom door was slammed close. I was shocked and a bit scared myself and I soon sensed she was looked up cautiously from her book. Our fear can easily pass to them. Be calm and let them see you are in charge and there is nothing to be fearful of.

(4)   Teach them the knowledge

Fear is often from the unknown. So show them the things that cause them fear and explain about them. I often carry her to our kitchen window to show her rubbish collection truck passing by and what the cleaners are doing. I also sit with her in front of our washing machine to watch the clothes turning inside and the water gushing in and explain to her the machine is washing our clothes. I read books to her about thunders and storms.

(5)   Root out sources of fear in their lives

We never read any storybooks on monsters or witches or unknown giant creatures to her. She was not exposed to any TV or video program that might expose her to such things too

(6)   Don’t scare your toddler yourself

Unknowingly you could be the person that introduces certain fear in them. Sometimes we give them warnings like “If you don’t be a good girl, the police will come and catch you” etc, these threats are really unnecessary and unhealthy and they only serve to induce fear in our children.

When our toddlers are fearful, we parents should always be positive and encouraging. Instead of saying, “Don’t be afraid”, “Don’t act like a baby”, assure them you understand their fears and encourage them to overcome them. When the children are bigger, we can even share with them our own childhood stories of our fears and how we overcame them. Take heart. Many fears are simply outgrown when the toddler matures into a more confident preschooler.

PS: Part of this post is from WHAT TO EXPECT - THE TODDLER YEARS book.